I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
be right there i have to get my cape
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
