Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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