Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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