When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
