I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
