Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
