i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
