I accidentally burped into my bong.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
