11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
