your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
