I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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