No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
