I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
