I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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