I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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