I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
