somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
