I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
