Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
