i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
