it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
