with your own penis?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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