Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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