The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
