I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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