I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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