Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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