I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
