Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
false alarm. still invincible.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
