he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
