i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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