i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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