Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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