you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
