i think my mom watched the whole time
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
