Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
