It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
