Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
