Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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