Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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