Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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