In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
