Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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