So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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