I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
