My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
