I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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