My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
