I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
