Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
