grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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